It may have been around longer, but it has only been in the last few years that I began to hear the term “church hurt.” It seems primarily to be used to describe pain that one believes has been unjustifiably inflicted on them by a church. And I know that it is very real for one incredibly obvious reason: every church is made of people, and people in any and every context hurt each other.
I have been on both sides of the church world. I spent twenty-seven years as a member, and have now spent twenty-nine years as a pastor. I know what the pews feel like, and I know what the pulpit feels like. I have seen most everything there is to see in a church, and from most every angle. As such, I know that in some cases, the church hurt card is merely an excuse for wanting to live a sinful life without anyone being allowed to speak against it, but in other cases, it is a real hurt brought on by real unkindness and/or unbiblical behaviors and attitudes from those who damage the sheep rather than caring for the sheep.
If you are one who simply enjoys your sin and hates the church, this letter is not for you.
If you are one who truly wants to live for the Lord, but is having difficulty processing how those who call themselves God’s people can often act like anything but, this letter is absolutely for you.
So let’s begin. Right off the bat, if you have been physically or sexually abused by anyone, anywhere, in any context, you should go to the authorities and report it immediately. It may be the scariest thing you ever do, but it will also be one of the most beneficial, to yourself and to others. You will break emotional shackles just by speaking up, and you may also spare someone else from having to go through what you went through. To the Jesus who said (of people) “A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench,” no one is disposable. You matter. Others matter. Speak up.
Maybe your hurt has been more of a hurt to the heart, an inner wound that no one could ever see or know. Those, I believe, are far more common than hurts from abuse, but painful nonetheless. If that is the case, please let me do my very best to help you pick up the pieces and move forward for the Lord and for your family.
The first thing you should do is distinguish between God and man. I know that will sound odd to some, but to those who have experienced hurt, they will get it. You see, the devil’s ultimate goal is to drive a wedge between you and a perfect God, and he will gladly use imperfect people as that wedge. I spoke to a person recently who was hurt by people, and yet is battling anger toward God.
Spend a lot of time reading the Bible and noting the character of Christ. Pay attention to how gentle he was with the hurting, the broken, the poor, the outcast. Think on that when religious people seem to be harsh and unkind.
The second thing you should do is distinguish between the vast majority of loving, kind believers and the handful of others who are as warm as an ice cube and as soft as a hammer. The wounders tend to draw all the attention, but the majority of the body will, unseen by the world, weep with those who weep, and mourn with those who mourn. That body of believers will have a casserole on your porch at light speed when something terrible has happened, and will be opening their wallets every time there is a need, even though they themselves may be struggling to make ends meet.
The third thing you should do is distinguish between needful hurts and needless hurts. Sometimes, a cutting word is the same as a curing word. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” Some of the hurts I received along the way were very needed and beneficial, even though they were the last things I wanted to hear at the moment.
The fourth thing you should do is distinguish between intentional hurts and unintentional hurts, and extend just as much grace to those who have unintentionally hurt you as you would desire if you unintentionally hurt someone else. Sometimes people mean well, and just don’t handle things as well as they mean.
The fifth thing you should do is distinguish between “that church” and “every church.” I have known a church or two along the way that I would not run to if the entire world were on fire and they alone had water. But those churches are the exception, not the rule. Most churches are reasonably level-headed, kind, and Christlike. Don’t ever let the devil gain a victory by waving one bad church in front of you and getting you to project that image onto every church, everywhere.
I am not even close to being done, but I am running out of room. Lord willing, I will have much more to say on this in next week’s column.
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